You know you’re in Australia when even before ever touching ground conversations take the strangest turns. Just like Australian oceans Aussie talk is likely to be filled with traits of poisonous animals, man-eating or -loving sharks and happy yet dangerous (who was I kidding this is Australia!) kangaroos. If you have never experienced chitchat quite like this you’re imagination might be running wild by now. I might warn you, this is one of those rare times reality actually beats imagination! I guess it’s only fair to sketch you a clearer view on small talk in the land of Oz. Uncensored and with high sense of reality, here it comes!
After approximately 10 hours of flying high above land and sea, passing two continents and one great ocean while witnessing our extraordinary green/blue planet from breathtaking heights, we finally reached Australian territory. It would still take us about three hours to cross the Southern part of this immens country in order to finally arrive in Melbourne, so I thought: “Why not treat myself to the grand tour of the Boeing 747, the metallic bird kind enough to fly me to my new home?”. That two-floor-high, artificially winged ten tonner, light enough to float high in the sky is really something! I’ve never been a technology fan, nor do I possess the most evolved insight in technique, but this big bird managed to persuade into taking an interest in one of man’s most world-changing constructions. And just as persuasive was one of the stewards! The first Kiwi I had the pleasure to meet. Wrapped with great sense of professionalism in his tidy Qantas outfit and even more enchanted by the metallic bird than I was, this small guy from a far away land called New Zealand, was more than willing to let me in on the secrets of his “big toy for little boys”, the Boeing 747.
But explanations about airplanes can keep me interested only that long… My knowledge about wannabe birds will always stay rudimentary, but my insight in Australia got its first real energy boost talking to that kind Kiwi steward! And here is where the exciting and slightly weird Aussie conversation I mentioned before began. My first of a great odd Aussie series I secretly hope.
Turns out this steward is not only a superstar in the air, but he used to rock the deeper waters as well. In another lifetime, in which he preferred dipping his toes in water instead of jumping in the sky, he used to be a diving instructor. A profession that allowed him to win over many a girl’s heart, I imagine. Even years later it hasn’t lost its magic! His stories about the wonders of the waters completely rocked my world! How could they not if they explained me, sparing me no detail, the mortal power of a shark’s teeth. Seems high time to kill one popular urban legend: sharks do not deliberately attack human swimmers! “They are not even that dangerous”, so the kiwi steward-slash-diver told me. “Well, at least not all of them. The white shark does pose an actual threat. And, come to think of it, so does the tiger shark, but other than that you are free to jump into any Australian water and reveal yourself as an Olympic swimmer without any danger.” The devoted diver instructor still stuck in the DNA of this steward obliged him to advise me to pay attention at all times though. You never know which gruesome thoughts might pop up in a sweet shark’s mind.
And while I’m wiping out urban legends and reducing them to the next-best-extinct species, there’s another one I should sophisticatedly slaughter: sharks do not like human flesh, they are no man-eaters. If you happened to be bitten by a shark it’s because the poor creature has accidentally mistaken you for a seal. When he starts devouring you, gently putting his teeth in your skin with the culinary expectations of a Michelin food critic only to inevitably understand you are nothing remotely like a seal, he will spit you out leaving no misunderstanding about just how distasteful your human meat actually tastes. See, sharks have no bad intentions. They are just a little impulsive every now and then. But aren’t we all?!
The Kiwi steward then continued to assure me that no human being has ever been eaten by a shark. Except for the actors in the movie Jaws who, I can say now, did a swell job at convincing you otherwise. Jaws constructed an image of sharks that does not do them justice, portraying them as the rats of the ocean. Quick creatures eating everything that crosses their path. Putting up no gastronomic fight. “No”, the air and former ocean rockstar told me, “a man has never actually been killed because a shark ate him, he simply died because a hungry and impulsive master of the ocean made an honest mistake. With the good intention of righting his wrong (big sense of justice these sharks) he would immediately untangle his teeth from your skin and leave you alone. While you slowly, yet severely bleed to death the shark will excuse himself and take off to find a real seal.” I feel much more comfortable about taking a swim in Australia now.
Since this Kiwi seemed to be a pro in the sky and in the water we were destined to hit the topic “earth” soon. And so we did. And didn’t he turn out to be a genius in earthly wildlife as well? A walking encyclopedia hidden in a Qantas suit and tie.
When you mention earth and Australia in the same sentence you are bound to stumble upon kangaroos. This is where it became very Australian for me, but God have mercy on the soul naive enough to believe that Skippy is loving animal! My steward seemed to have a well developed sense of protection towards his fellow man, I was immediately warned not to joke around with kangaroos! Apparently the jolly jumpers have fun in running over, throwing over and destroying cars. A rather violent leisure activity. Kangaroo turning killer-roo. You should also beware of Skippy corpses on the Australian roads. A lot of dead examples colour the dry landscapes of this great country. Serves them right for destroying cars.
From kangaroo to killer-roo to yummy-roo. Between the many kangaroo warnings I was advised to approach them in their calmest form: dead. My Kiwi friend told me they are quite tasty. Their meat a little tough maybe, comparable to the better chunk of beef, in all a culinary delicacy. Then again he is used to airplane food. I think I’ll stick to being vegetarian.
The conversation only got more interesting when my favourite steward invited his favourite colleague to join in on this wildlife talk. The jolly looking Australian lady took this small talk to a whole new level turning it into an uncensored version of a National Geographic documentary on Australia.
Turns out the land down under is also the world upside down and wildlife inside-out. The most dangerous creatures around here are the smallest ones. Don’t you worry about sharks, they don’t actually like human meat. Don’t mind the kangaroos too much, you can easily put up killer-roo booby traps. Tricking them into a cunning game of car destroyer 1.0, attacking them from behind while they’re tying to reach level 2.0 and eventually making them wind up on your Sunday menu. Great plan for a dinner party! No, don’t worry about the top of the food chain, pay attention to what’s hiding in the bushes, what’s rustling between the fallen autumn leafs, what’s breeding at extraordinary speed in your backyard, what’s nesting behind your bedpost. Watch out for reptiles and insects in all shapes and sizes. They come in a big variety in this country. It’s the one thing you can get enough of.
The jolly Australian stewardess seemed to light up with a wonderful inner fire when she informed me about Aussie’s house spiders and brown snakes. I would’ve never guessed an air princess to be such an earth digger. I was advised to always be on my guard. True danger hides in the smallest of corners. Even before ever setting foot on Australian soil I was making mental maps of the roads that would be safe for me to walk on. I was scheduling what is bound to become my new morning routine and how to make it as efficient as possible: how to inspect the bed, the floor, the bathroom, the refrigerator, the breakfast table… with the trained cleaning eye of any mother-in-law. Time management is going to be of great importance!
The smallest inhabitants of this immense country never cease to surprise you. They make it their life goal to sneak up on you when you least expect it. Pretentious even, allowing themselves to disturb you during your most intimate moments in the bathroom. Catching you by surprise, they will take advantage of your intuitive state of shock and numbness to attack you with the immortal power of their poison. A complex liquid bursting out of their little bodies only to kill your much bigger frame. I guess that just comes to show how you should never underestimate the greatness of what is small and too often overlooked. God works in mysterious ways.
Finally leaving the Boeing 747 after having spent almost 14 hours in the sky enriched with my first, real, Aussie conversations I realized I was doubting every single life choice that had taking me to this country. While I was suffering what the better doctor would call “the first phase of a nervous breakdown caused to severe trauma”, the Kiwi steward and his jolly colleague greeted me with the cleanest toothpaste smile. Off I went, thrown out of the belly of the biggest bird in the sky, pushed into the cruel reality of Australian nature, a warned woman. And we all know a warned woman is half saved. HALF-saved…
a Modern-day Walkabout 